I have gained 40 pounds on this painful grief journey. Why? What am I doing?
I feel this constant pain in my entire body, an ache that radiates from my chest through my entire torso. My joints ache. I swear, even my hair hurts. Nothing helps. As crazy as it seems, I try to combat the gut pain and sour stomach with food. It doesn’t make sense, but I am shoveling chow in at an alarming rate. For example, I am stuffing peanut butter crackers in my mouth right now.
Funny thing about all this junk I eat, I don’t enjoy eating it. It’s like the flavor is gone or my ability to experience the flavor is gone. I don’t really enjoy eating at all. Strange, because I always did enjoy food before, always. I mean seriously – LOVE ME SOME FOOD. I know that chocolate is still chocolate, but it doesn’t taste the same anymore. Cookies are still cookies and I still cram them into my yapper as fast as I can – but I don’t taste them the same. I crunch them. I chew them. I swallow them. The calories and fat hit my thighs, but the flavor is lost. I can’t imagine the cookies are different, so it must be me, I lost my flavor.
Matthew 5:13 says: “Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savor, wherewith shall it be salted? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.”
So, am I good for nothing? Lord, I am trying so hard. Gobbling sweets I don’t want and don’t enjoy is not making me any better and serves no purpose – helps no one.
NO, STOP – I am NOT good for nothing. I have value. I have WORTH. We all do.
I trust YOU, Lord. I believe. I have faith. I know YOU love me, YOU love all of us. I am still praising you.
I continually recite the Lord’s Prayer. I recite the 23rd Psalm.
OK, putting the crackers down. I am going for a walk, outside.
I am making a commitment right now to start shedding the weight. Stay tuned! Let’s do this together.