Another revelation or a bit of grief evolution.
I realized something in the wee hours of the morning, when I really wanted to be asleep. I was thinking I was so frustrated with a loved one for lacking self-discipline and continuing unhealthy habits. Then my mind wondered to another person I criticized for sloth; and yet another who described me in a unflattering way and stung my feelings.
Suddenly, I realized – I wasn’t frustrated with these other people at all. I was mad at me!! I am mad as hell at ME!! I am mad at me for not exercising self-discipline and losing weight.
I am mad at me for lounging, wasting time and being slothful – when I have chores to do, tasks I once enjoyed.
The only reason the hurtful description cut me so deeply, is because I believe it – I look in the mirror and all I see is tired, fat, and old.
I am just angry at me. I really don’t like that old lady in the mirror.
These others have no power over me – and I have none over them. We are each the potter’s hands, and I am not the potter. I cannot make someone else make better choices and clearly I am not making the best choices for me.
“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”
GOD, please forgive me for wrong thoughts. I clearly have a beam in my own eye and I need to roll up my sleeves and get to work on pulling it out. OK, so HOW? Grief is so heavy, it ways on me. When I want to exercise or clean the garage or clean out the tack room – I have all this extra weight, both in my heart and on my bum! I am wide awake at 5 am, but I struggle to drag out of bed by 6:30. It takes all my strength to work all day and then do just my daily chores– let alone major cleaning and upkeep. My brain keeps cycling back to, “What’s the point?” “Why try?” “It hurts!”
Come on ME!! Get it together. What would I say to ME – if ME was my best friend? I would say, “It’s OK, don’t be so hard on yourself. I am here for you. I care. How can I help?”
Well, ME – maybe instead of trying to fix everything all at once, just set three tiny goals – for a 24-hour period. OK, here goes, after I get home from work and do daily chores – I will also complete three tasks from my To Do List:
- I will sweep the feed room.
- I will give Baby Dog a haircut, at least around her backside.
- Tomorrow morning, I will make sure to be up by 6:15.
With GOD’s help, that all seems doable, not too overwhelming. Oh, and maybe I will give me a little hug. I think ME really needs it.