I always hated the Book of Job. It always seemed so cruel. On a whim, to just allow so much tragedy to come upon Job, just to test him. Now, I am reading JOB with a new perspective. Am I being tested? Am I failing? Why? Or am I being punished?
“Though HE slay me, yet will I trust in HIM: but I will maintain mine own ways before HIM.”
I am so sorry, GOD, for my sins – I am so sorry, but I miss my son so much. I am not trying to question or challenge YOU. I just don’t understand. But no matter what, I will trust YOU. I will praise YOU. I will love YOU. I need YOU. I need YOUR grace, YOUR strength. Please help me.
Please hold my son close to you. If there is anything short in his account, lay it on me. Please blame me and hold me accountable. GOD, please hold him close to YOU, in YOUR presence. Give him joy and peace and happiness. Please. PLEASE.
For several months, I have been pondering – I am really not much farther along in my ponderings. I am grateful that I have much better friends than poor Job did. Sure, there are people in my life like the judgmental fools that came to torment Job in his pain. These people mean well too – but the end result is the same – torment. But my inner circle, my safe zone – is loving and kind and supportive.
While I am not wearing sack cloth and ashes, I do only feel comfortable wearing black. I guess “BLACK” is the new “SACK CLOTH and ASHES”.
I don’t have open sores like poor Job, but I have inner wounds that I hide from the world. They are horrendously painful and I “scrape” them with every memory, photo, song, and breath.
GOD did answer Job in Job 38:1
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
2 “Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me
God speaks with Job and essentially, puts Job in his place. Just like Job, I didn’t create the heavens and earth and all life. Just like Job, I must be humble before GOD, accepting HIS will.
Yes, I happily accepted the many, many blessings GOD showered on me. I praised GOD through all the good times. I leaned on GOD and trusted him through all the bad times. Now, I am going through the WORST time – and I will continue to praise GOD and trust HIM and honor HIM and lean on HIM.
I don’t have to understand the “WHY” or the “HOW”. I just have to love GOD and trust HIM.
I am truly trying.