I have been traveling grief road for 29 months. One day, I was a very happy person – then my world exploded. I became very isolated – personal connections, my connections – all seemed to snap under the weight of the grief.
I lost connection with friends – who weren’t really friends at all.
I lost connection with family – who meant well, but didn’t understand.
I lost connection with my husband of 37 years. We were both in pain, but grieving differently. I had nothing to give when he needed to receive, and I was SO angry.
I lost connection with my hobbies, my pleasures, my sanity, my common sense – I lost connection with ME.
This broken ME became isolated from the outside world, and only existed inside my head – along with the monsters, the demons of dark thoughts. My only connections were my spirit helpers – my animals.
I never fully lost connection with GOD, but the communication had a lot of static and reception was poor on my end. Sometimes I just went through the motions – I said the words of my daily prayers, while my thoughts and heart were not connected.
I now understand, to heal on this journey – I must rebuild and reconnect.
First – I am working to rebuild, reconnect with GOD. I know HE never left me. Mathew 28:20 promises “I am with you always, even unto the ends of the world.” I know this to be true. Instead of simply uttering words, I am learning to sit still and listen. I hear HIS voice in the breeze, in the chatter of the birds, in ME.
Next, I need to rebuild my connections to the world.
I do not wish to re-connect with some friends. I will bid farewell to fair weather friends – and miss them not. I have no ill will, just no energy to spare. My circle of friends is much smaller, but the connections are powerful and strong.
My connections with family may never be the same, but I am trying to mend them. We are all trying.
My connection with my husband is slowly improving – well, maybe that is not the right word. Maybe the right word is evolving. Our connection MUST be different. We are different. We are not only connected by our marriage, our love – we are connected by a terrible loss. In the last few months, I made an effort to speak a little softer and listen a little more closely to my partner. He picked up on the change and he is doing the same. We are walking this journey together.
I am back in my craft room, painting rocks – I even have a sewing project started. The monsters and the demons of dark thoughts still come – but now I am looking for the light.
If you are on a painful journey, I pray you will have spirit helpers and light.
I pray you can Connect.