After the clown show

You see, grief doesn’t end, at least not for me. In 18 days, it will be three years since I lost my son. To the world, I am “OK”. Because I get up everyday and put on the clown show. I smile, socialize, interact – everything the world has come to expect from me. I have to – I am the strong, responsible one.

At the end of the day, when the clown show is over – when all my adult responsibilities have been fulfilled, I can curl up with my dogs – alone, in the dark. Then, I can grieve. I remember. I cry. I smile. I love. No clown. No pretend. Just me.

The clown show is exhausting to me. I welcome the dark, late at night.

I don’t think I want to be a clown anymore – maybe, just maybe – people will just have to accept that I am different now. I need to learn how to stop pretending.


6 thoughts on “After the clown show

  1. I lost my mother 2 years ago on December 28th, 2015. After a year of self induced exile, and then a grateful year of self growth and self love, I am still floored by my anniversary grief and how quickly it can sweep over my heart and cloud my mind.
    I feel like I am not the same person and most days I am okay with that. I have learned that times does not make it better, it makes it different but the feelings are there, and they stay to remind me of how much my mother truly meant to me. My heart aches for you and your silent grief. You are not alone, I am here and I love you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh thank you – I love you as well. I am so very sorry for your loss and grief. Yes, you are so right – it makes it different. We are different because of the journey. It helps so much to know others understand


  2. Perhaps it is time to release the clown if that is what you are feeling. It must take a lot of your energy to do that. Energy that you can put to better use. To find and get to know the you that is different.

    Liked by 1 person

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