WildFire just loves her good night smooches
Author Archives: 2gatherstones
I Disappointed YOU?
You were angry.
Your hurtful words just flew.
I could feel the sting.
You said I disappointed you.
I was silent.
As your anger pelted me.
I was silent.
And I just let you be.
I just let you rage
Releasing all your pain
Did that make you feel better?
Tell me, what did you gain?
Are we closer now?
No, the opposite is true.
Wondering do you love me?
Wondering do I love you?
Is there any shred of love left?
Any for us to restore?
Was I was silent
Because I don’t care anymore.
Each time you hurt me
With each lie
I got tougher, harder, meaner,
I grew a thicker shell
I grew wary and untrusting
Frankly, mad as HELL
And now, I disappoint YOU!
How exactly can that be?
Was it while working two jobs?
To provide for you and me?
Or maybe it was my strength
You leaned on without concerns.
Is that why I disappoint you
And your anger burns?
I was silent.
Your words really hit their mark.
I was silent.
Broken in the dark.
Hector was a very, very good boy today
Look at that sweet face!!! Today, the farrier was here to trim horse and mule hooves. Hector was such a very good boy today. He was sweet and friendly and stood so quietly for the farrier. He was even happy to enjoy a few scratches and hugs – but don’t ever touch those ears!!
Since my best friend, Charlie, is a German Shepherd – or – German Shedder – this is the hardest working appliance in my house!
Red Sky at Night
I needed this sky tonight. Thank you
Self critic – a bully and a victim
Do you ever stop and think about how many mean things you say to yourself everyday. If I had a dollar for every time I called myself fat or stupid, I would be able to pay cash for that Alpha Romeo I want. I would never treat my friends that way – I love them. Today, in just the last hour, I called myself a fat cow, an idiot, a dummy, and a few other words I should not write here. Wow. When I look at these words written in front of me – I see a bully and a victim – and they are both me!
Why do I do that? I blame myself for my son’s illness. I blame myself for my husband’s issues. I criticize myself when the house isn’t spotless or the dinner isn’t perfect. How do I stop?
I do so many things I don’t want to do.
I don’t want to pretend I am OK when I am not.
I don’t want to bully me.
I don’t even want to eat these cookies.
I need to get back outside. Back in the saddle. Back in the garden.
For now, I am putting away the vacuum cleaner – AND the cookies, and heading off to my craft room with my Charlie dog.
After the clown show
You see, grief doesn’t end, at least not for me. In 18 days, it will be three years since I lost my son. To the world, I am “OK”. Because I get up everyday and put on the clown show. I smile, socialize, interact – everything the world has come to expect from me. I have to – I am the strong, responsible one.
At the end of the day, when the clown show is over – when all my adult responsibilities have been fulfilled, I can curl up with my dogs – alone, in the dark. Then, I can grieve. I remember. I cry. I smile. I love. No clown. No pretend. Just me.
The clown show is exhausting to me. I welcome the dark, late at night.
I don’t think I want to be a clown anymore – maybe, just maybe – people will just have to accept that I am different now. I need to learn how to stop pretending.
Gertie Goose going for a ride in the truck
When the weather is bitter, Gertie Goose “migrates” via truck to the neighbor’s comfy, warm barn. When the weather is better, she hops in the truck and migrates back. We love our Gertie Goose. Although she primarily lives at my little farmette, she is sort of a “neighborhood” pet. We all take care of her. She is quite content to ride in the truck.
You show your pain
I hide my pain
You fall apart
I carry you
Everyone worries about you
I am invisible
You say I am strong
But I know I hurt too
I am responsible
I am the adult
I love you
I worry about you
I am sinking into bitterness
I am invisible and forgotten
I have to be strong
To be strong, I have to be angry
I don’t know how to stop being angry
Today is my Son’s birthday. He should be 37. He should be with his lovely wife and precious son. He should be with his Dad and me. Instead, he is permanently 34 years old. I can’t hug him. I can’t see him. I miss him so much. Time heals nothing. The ache is so deep, constant – exhausting.
Today, despite the recent cold spell – a tiny lady bug was sitting on my kitchen counter, next to my Keurig and coffee cup!!!
I scooped up my little visitor, held him, and sobbed. I whispered a secret message to my son, and released the tiny messenger.
I do believe in signs and visits. It made me feel better.