Peaking Pillows

Baby Dawg loves pillows

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Complaining about Complaining

OK, this may be a bit hypocritical, but I am complaining about complaining.  I hear complaining at home.  It is justified.  My husband is in pain, chronic pain wears a person down.

Then I get to work.  I am in a communal office and I hear complaining ALL D@@# Day!  True, it is usually from just one person, but still – complain, complain, complain.

Now, here I am – complaining.

I love to just sit with my dogs or my cat or my horses or my mule.  I scratch and hug them.  They never complain.  They softly purr, or snuggle up close, or nicker – I feel my battery recharging with every second.   (Notice I did not say Gertie Goose.  She is a lousy snuggler but a champion complainer – but, after all, she is a goose.)

Sometimes, I just want to scream – STOP COMPLAINING!  STOP VIOLATING MY EAR HOLES WITH YOUR NEGATIVITY!!  I don’t.  Instead, I just listen quietly.  I try to understand.  People are in pain and frustrated and just trying to cope.

I am also going to try to learn to be better – So, that’s it.  I am done complaining.

Elephant in the room

I bumped into an acquaintance yesterday, a gentleman I had not seen is a few years.  I asked about his family.  He asked about my husband.  We chatted about cars and the weather and the news – but we both felt the elephant in the room.

I noticed he chose his words carefully, even stopping mid-sentence and re-phrasing.  He started to ask “How is the fam….. – How is your husband?”

I smiled and pretended not to notice.  He was avoiding making any reference to my son.  I know he knows of our loss – and I know he was trying to be considerate.

Why is it that way?  Kind, caring people gingerly step around the elephant in the room.  Is it because they don’t know what to say?  Is it because they are afraid of upsetting me?

I am grateful for the dear friends and family in my life who invite me to talk and share about my son.  I will always be his MOM and I will always miss him and I will always love him. I need to talk about him.  When I walk and speak with my Heavenly Father, we chat about my dear son often – HE listens.  I know HE does.

Does anyone else notice this elephant avoidance behavior?

Everything but Flippy the CAT

Geeze!!! Seems like everything on my farm is on medication!! The two horses and the mule need medication for the hooves. I am battling wet weather and white line disease. Gertie Goose gets anti-inflammatory medication for her arthritis. Charlie Tarheel, the German Shepherd, is on antibiotics for an abscess. Baby Dawg the Maltese is on heart medication, allergy medication, and bronchial meds. My husband takes, well, everything.

My sweet, hard working Flippy the CAT is the only non-medicated critter on this farm!!!

But look at those two sweet faces!! Worth it!!!!

Storm Maker = Peace Taker

Have you ever met someone that creates “storms” wherever they go?  I interact with a Storm Maker very frequently, and I am really struggling.  The atmosphere in the room can be peaceful and positive, but as soon as the Storm Maker walks in, peace and positive flee – the room sours.  The petty snapping and bickering often spreads from the Storm Maker to others, until everyone is angry and defensive.  Everything is always about them, they are always a victim, and everyone else is at fault for any and all problems, both real and imaginary.  I can wager safely that 9 days out of ten, I have committed some wrong – most of the time, I have no clue what it is.  It may be what I said or what I didn’t say or – who knows.  A simple event or change can explode without warning into a full-blown cyclone.  Once the cyclone passes, the Storm Maker feels better, relaxed, and cheerful.  But there is a trail of carnage and destruction – hurt feelings, frustration, and I am ashamed to admit – growing RESENTMENT.

Sadly, the Storm Maker is actually a good person with many great qualities.  I truly care about this person and would hate to cause hurt or unhappiness, I just don’t know how to break the cycle or stop enabling it.  More importantly, how do I avoid getting “sucked up” in the storm?  I clearly cannot change this person, nor do I have the right to do so.  I am not the potter.  I cannot change the interaction – so I must change me – but how?  I am trying to get out of the darkness and I cherish any little bit of “peace” I can find.

I am praying.

 

Mom is such an amazing word

I remember the very moment I was honored with the title of Mom – my heart was filled with love.

Mom is just such an amazing word.

The first time I heard my baby call me MOM – I thought my heart would burst! Love, joy, devotion, protection, fierceness – so much is wrapped up in that word, MOM.

I remember the last time I heard my baby call me MOM. Knowing it was the last time is unbearable!

Peaking out of the Pit

February 25th marked the third anniversary of my son’s death – my only child. The pain just overwhelmed me an I let myself slide down into a dark pit. I still did all the things I had to do such as go to work, farm work, house hold chores – but my mind was in a very dark place. I have not blogged in weeks. Just couldn’t. I kept reading others blogs and, as strange as it may seem, that helped.

Oddly, I felt so disconnected from life, people, everything – but reading your blogs lifted me. I am now peaking out of the pit, just peaking. Thank you – for somehow being a lifeline. Your stories, your willingness to share – it is light.

I am trying to practice mindfulness – being present in only this moment – mind you I said “trying”.