Dreamer of Dreams – Frozen

I always considered myself a dreamer of dreams – willing to try new things, to step outside my comfort zone and “make” changes.  Before the darkness came, I had so many dreams, things we were going to do.  Then everything shattered.

Now I seem to be frozen – stagnant.  I am not happy in my current state, I have dreams of change, but I don’t seem to be able to put any action to them.

I talk about my exciting “business idea” and I live that life in my head – but that is all I do. I know I need to make some changes – I can’t stay here in the dark – but I am struggling.

When I was in basic training at Fort Jackson way back in 79, (Yes, I am a veteran – US Army) I remember we would finish our forced Marches by climbing a hill we lovingly dubbed “Drag Ass Hill”.  It was steep and sand!  For every step forward, you would slide half way back.  It took dogged perseverance to get up that hill, and a drill sergeant chomping at my heals, but I made it.

Now, I feel like I am on Drag Ass Hill, without the youth and strength and motivation to keep climbing.

But, I need to suck it up – and take a step.  Just a step – GOD, I need a push!!

 

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Dial Up

Earlier, I shared my struggle and desire to “reconnect” with GOD, loved ones, ME.  It is a slow process.  Sometimes, I feel like I am making progress, then some memory or maybe a small comment triggers the pain, the tears and I relapse and disconnect.

I certainly struggle to connect with sleep, which I why I am rambling on now.  Although, I do seem to be able to connect very well with ice cream, chocolate, coffee, and bacon.  Yep, I am definitely connected with those.  Oh, and bread.

I feel like the rest of the world has high speed, and I am still on dial up.  I can almost hear the tones of the modem.  Of course, out here in the country, there are times when it may as well be dial up.

But, I am not going to give up.  GOD is with me – HIS rod and HIS staff, they comfort me – and tomorrow is another day to try.

I pray you all have positive connections too.

Mad as HELL at ME!!

Another revelation or a bit of grief evolution.

I realized something in the wee hours of the morning, when I really wanted to be asleep.  I was thinking I was so frustrated with a loved one for lacking self-discipline and continuing unhealthy habits.  Then my mind wondered to another person I criticized for sloth; and yet another who described me in a unflattering way and stung my feelings.

Suddenly, I realized – I wasn’t frustrated with these other people at all.  I was mad at me!!  I am mad as hell at ME!!  I am mad at me for not exercising self-discipline and losing weight.

I am mad at me for lounging, wasting time and being slothful – when I have chores to do, tasks I once enjoyed.

The only reason the hurtful description cut me so deeply, is because I believe it – I look in the mirror and all I see is tired, fat, and old.

I am just angry at me.  I really don’t like that old lady in the mirror.

These others have no power over me – and I have none over them.  We are each the potter’s hands, and I am not the potter.  I cannot make someone else make better choices and clearly I am not making the best choices for me.

Matthew 7:3

“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”

GOD, please forgive me for wrong thoughts.  I clearly have a beam in my own eye and I need to roll up my sleeves and get to work on pulling it out.  OK, so HOW?  Grief is so heavy, it ways on me.  When I want to exercise or clean the garage or clean out the tack room – I have all this extra weight, both in my heart and on my bum!  I am wide awake at 5 am, but I struggle to drag out of bed by 6:30.  It takes all my strength to work all day and then do just my daily chores– let alone major cleaning and upkeep.  My brain keeps cycling back to, “What’s the point?”  “Why try?”  “It hurts!”

Come on ME!! Get it together.  What would I say to ME – if ME was my best friend?  I would say, “It’s OK, don’t be so hard on yourself.  I am here for you.  I care. How can I help?”

Well, ME –  maybe instead of trying to fix everything all at once, just set three tiny goals – for a 24-hour period.  OK, here goes, after I get home from work and do daily chores – I will also complete three tasks from my To Do List:

  1. I will sweep the feed room.
  2. I will give Baby Dog a haircut, at least around her backside.
  3. Tomorrow morning, I will make sure to be up by 6:15.

With GOD’s help, that all seems doable, not too overwhelming.  Oh, and maybe I will give me a little hug.  I think ME really needs it.

 

Eating my Pain, and anything else I can cram in my Pie Hole

I have gained 40 pounds on this painful grief journey.  Why?  What am I doing?

I feel this constant pain in my entire body, an ache that radiates from my chest through my entire torso.  My joints ache.  I swear, even my hair hurts.  Nothing helps.  As crazy as it seems, I try to combat the gut pain and sour stomach with food.  It doesn’t make sense, but I am shoveling chow in at an alarming rate.  For example, I am stuffing peanut butter crackers in my mouth right now.

Funny thing about all this junk I eat, I don’t enjoy eating it.  It’s like the flavor is gone or my ability to experience the flavor is gone.  I don’t really enjoy eating at all.  Strange, because I always did enjoy food before, always.  I mean seriously – LOVE ME SOME FOOD.  I know that chocolate is still chocolate, but it doesn’t taste the same anymore.  Cookies are still cookies and I still cram them into my yapper as fast as I can – but I don’t taste them the same.  I crunch them.  I chew them.  I swallow them.  The calories and fat hit my thighs, but the flavor is lost.  I can’t imagine the cookies are different, so it must be me, I lost my flavor.

Matthew 5:13 says: “Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savor, wherewith shall it be salted?  It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.”

So, am I good for nothing?  Lord, I am trying so hard.  Gobbling sweets I don’t want and don’t enjoy is not making me any better and serves no purpose – helps no one.

NO, STOP – I am NOT good for nothing.  I have value.  I have WORTH.  We all do.

I trust YOU, Lord.  I believe.  I have faith.  I know YOU love me, YOU love all of us.  I am still praising you.

I continually recite the Lord’s Prayer.  I recite the 23rd Psalm.

OK, putting the crackers down.  I am going for a walk, outside.

I am making a commitment right now to start shedding the weight.  Stay tuned!  Let’s do this together.